one liners

If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.

I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

Never try to drown your troubles... especially if he can swim.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.On my desk I have a work station.

By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong.

Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn't have.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Girls are like internet domain names... the ones I like are already taken.

There are three sides to every argument: your side,my side and the right side.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.

They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die